This Ain't It....well turns out it is.

On August 18th I started this Blog Post and I never even got a chance to finish it. Honestly, I was done. I wasn't questioning God, but I wasn't really understanding why I was being tested THIS much. I mean I am a nice, kind, genuine, sweet person. To a degree, I felt like I was being punished! Like what the hell did I do? I'm not perfect, but it's giving KARMA....and certainly my debts have been pain by now! But it's not about that. It's about capacity. So many things were happening in the spiritual and physical realm. I was exhausted and I felt defeated! At the time, I didn't have the full writing. I just knew "This Ain't It". I titled the post and saved it in the drafts. I later learned that Mercury was in Retrograde and I promise, it had turned me every which way but loose". As I spoke to a few friends and even random people that would decide to dump on me, they were experiencing similar feelings and thoughts. I really had to think...DO I REEEAALLLY have the power to create my own reality? Cuz again, "This Ain't It". Its so easy to get swept up into the monotony of it all. I don't believe life is meant to be hard, or mundane.

Me personally, I was fed up with mediocrity, sadness, uncertainty, feeling low, anxious, and the emotional rollercoaster! And most of all pretending! Because let me tell you, I KNOW I'm not the only one feeling this shit! If I have to be the one to be transparent, so be it. There is no way that was how God intended me to live my life. Limiting beliefs, scarcity. I felt stuck. Of course I've had good moments over the past few months. But only when I was intentional. When I say intentional I mean really honing in on what I desired, really being in gratitude, really moving the way the God says move. Listening. Then here comes a test, that jolts me back to a familiar space. Unproductiveness, lack of motivation...just feeling blaaaaaah. But this test was different. Yes it hurt. Yes it was alarming, but as a result of what I have experienced; I no longer had the space to respond as I normally would. I threw up my hands (after I took my day or so and cried, I pushed forward.) Something literally clicked in my mind.

Try something different. Just do it. Live like you deserve it, Live like you have it. Matter of fact....you do have it, it simply exists in the future you. Yes, I am worthy. And because I am listening to God, I can see how things will continue to be laid at my feet. I would imagine that if I had written this on August 18th, this piece would be a little different. Very angry, very enraged very apoplectic. Ha! However, I wanted to recognize the feeling, the thought, the experience. It propelled me in a direction that in just at a month I wouldn't have imagined. From actually leading my first event, to connecting with the local school district, securing partnerships gaining a mentor. These opportunities are just the beginning. And I know there's more.

So it turns out, that wasn't it....but this is.

I see you GOD.